Thursday, February 25, 2010

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #28


Our featured essay today is from Jay of the Philippines. He writes about the government spending money on space programs.

TASK 2 Academic

QUES: Governments around the world are spending billions in support of space programs. This money would be better spent on research into improvements in human health.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?


ANS:

Many people debate on what should be done about the tax payers? money. Some people think that it may be best to invest it in space research. However, other people think that it is more beneficial if it is invested in health science. Although to some extent I believe that space research has its vital contributions in society, to a greater extent I believe that a persons? health is more important than doing space research.


Industrialized countries worldwide allocate a large portion of its resources in space research because of its benefits in society. One important contribution of space research is the development of medical diagnostic devices such as X-ray and ultrasound. Originally, the technology being used in these devices is a product of space research. However, space studies consume time and large amounts of resources before it can produce results, while many people are suffering and dying of diseases.


On the other hand, some people believe that it is more important to spend tax payers? money in health research. Primarily, health research plays a vital role in the preservation of life. Many people in the world are suffering and dying from incurable diseases such as HIV, AIDS and cancer. Therefore, it is more important to find cures for these diseases and to save lives. Another important reason is that the cost of medical treatments is very high and only a few people can afford it. The government must find ways to lower the cost of medical services by improving health facilities and investing in health research for safer and less expensive alternative treatments.


To sum up, there may be valid reasons why the government spends a huge amount of money on space research, but in my opinion it is more important to invest tax payers? money on health research in order to prevent further loss of lives.


4-POINT CRITIQUE


TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to discuss both sides of the issue. However, your word count is 308. This is too long. Write only between 250-265 words. Avoid one-sentence paragraphs like in your conclusion.


COHESION AND COHERENCE

The essay is generally organized. You have a variety of transition words to show a different point of view and to summarize the essay like ?on the other hand?, ?to sum up? and ?however?. I suggest that you use the 5-paragraph format for a more balanced structure. Have only one main point per paragraph. The fourth paragraph needs to be split into two.


LEXICAL RESOURCE

The language used is appropriate and clear. You used a variety of words. However, there were a couple of run-on sentences such as your conclusion and the last sentence of your introduction. A guideline is to have only 15 words per sentence.


GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

The tenses are consistent and the subject-verb agreement is correct. Work on improving the run-on sentences.


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