Tuesday, December 1, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #23


Our essay for today is from Suresh. He gives his arguments regarding government reserving jobs for women.


Most high level jobs are done by men. Should the government encourage a certain percentage of these jobs to be reserved for women?


To begin with, high level jobs always need more concentration and problem solving capabilities to work on it. From my observation, men are more talented and dedicated to work when compare to women. I would recommend the government to develop an assessing system to find out a suitable candidate for high level jobs rather than reserving certain percentage.


Firstly, to talk about jobs, each job requires various ratio of dedication to complete it. For instance, job in navy is purely suitable for men, because they have to travel around the world for few months to more than a year and meet new people. Compare to men it’s hard for women to deal with new people, so whatever level goes here women can’t easily take up this job.


Secondly, almost all high level job requires managerial skills, well planning caliber and one minded attitude towards the goal. But normally women always two minded, one is their work and the next is the family. They have to take care of their family without they family never grow in a good shape. Moreover men can’t take care of planning family. Let women concentrate on their two important duties.


Thirdly, government can interfere in this issue, but what is the final goal? Not to spoil the job by assigning irrelevant person. The government has to categorize suitable jobs for women and men.


In conclusion, men and women has their own skills to explore, when comes to high level job, not all job suit for men and not all suit for women. So if government takes responsibility to assign right job for both gender is a best way to finish jobs successfully without any drawback.


4-POINT CRITIQUE


TASK ACHIEVEMENT

Your point of view isn’t clear whether you agree or disagree with the government reserving a certain percentage of jobs for women. You main ideas should focus on this theme. There was no mention of the government’s role in your 2nd and 3rd paragraphs.


COHESION AND COHERENCE

You used a number of transition words to show sequence and to give your conclusion.


LEXICAL RESOURCE

You used a variety of words but some of them look awkward such as “two-minded” and “well planning caliber”.


GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Work on the proper use of verbs such as “compare” should be “compared”. “Men and women” should be plural. Include a verb in “not all job suit form men”. Revise the fragment “women always two minded”. Revise the awkward sentence “They have to take care of their family without they family never grow in a good shape”. Pluralize “planning family” and “irrelevant person”. Change the run-on sentence in the last paragraph.


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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

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