Monday, December 14, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #26


Our featured writer today is from Pure. She writes about her views on government's political action on excessive consumerism and pollution.

Climate change is now an accepted threat to our planet, but there is not enough political action to control excessive consumerism and pollution. Do you agree?


Today climate change is regarded as a danger to our environment, but it also gradually becomes an acceptable phenomenon to most people. However, some people argue that the government should get excessive consumerism and pollution under control. I take the view that it certainly needs enough political aid to improve the problem.

The reason behind unusual response to climate change is that plenty of greenhouse gas emissions, mainly from industrial activities, build up in the atmosphere and trap heat, so the global temperature gets warmer. Another point is that a high level of modern lifestyle is also considered as lots of consumerism. This keeps factories operating but it also produces excessive pollutants and wastes.

In my view, to solve this problem, the government should take the lead at first. The chief reason is that they have more power to regulate human behaivour by limiting the amount of industrial gases. However, one of failed examples is that not all countries delivered as promised on the Kyoto target which aimed at reducing the amount of carbon dioxide in the 1990s. Therefore, the government should take head of this issue seriously.

However, in reality, the biggest difficulty is that the vast majority of the governments around the world think that their economic interests take primacy rather than the existence of climate-threaten problems. It poses a barrier when they try to achieve an agreement that might truly help the environment but that would reduce profits and cost more. If this can be dismissed, there would have enough political aid to this issue.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

The issue in this essay is whether the government is doing something or not about excessive consumerism and pollution. Your reasons and examples should establish either the government’s actions or the lack thereof.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

You have made good use of transition words like however, therefore, etc. Improve organization by having five paragraphs with one main point per each paragraph.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
There are some misused words. “Take head” should be revised to “take heed”. Drop the preposition in “take the lead at first”.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Revise the misspelled word “behaivour”. “Climate-threaten” should be changed to “climate-threatened”. “There would have” should be “there would be”. Add an article in the phrase “the reason behind unusual response”.

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For Further Reading,
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