Monday, December 7, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #25


Our next makeover is from Kristina. She writes about her view on children growing up in the countryside and in the city.


TASK 2: It is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city.Do you agree or disagree?Use specific reasons and examples to develop your essay.


Each of us is influenced by the enviroment where he or she has been growing up since the early age. For a parent, having a kid means to acquiesce to demands of a newborn and pick up the perfect place of future household. There exists plenty of aspects you have to take into consideration, one of which is the location.


Difficult though it is, each and every human being endeavors to protect its own health. Therefore, living in the countryside guarantees you the ubiquity of fresh air and better conditions for outdoor activities. In addition to that, it is not only the health of which we need to take care - it is also our own safety. In order to provide the kids a peaceful home, you should decide in favor of a village as the criminal rates are minimal there and your neighbours would become your closest friends.


Nevertheless, there is high expectation that your children will attend primary school. Never had I seen a kid who is keen on commuting to school. Because of this, one should be aware of the fact that distances in the city are considerably shorter. Furthermore, assuming that the parents want to offer their offspring as much opportunities to get involved as they can, the city is the one that provides plenty of diverse facilities.


Overall, it seems to me easier to grow up a kid outside of a town. Well-being and safety are much more essential than leisure facilities. However, when a child becomes more independent, there is no reason to avoid living in the city.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave two sides of the coin discussing both the pros and cons of living in the city and in the countryside. However, for organization purposes, better use the 5-paragraph format. Have only one main point per paragraph.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

You’ve made use of appropriate transition words to give additional points, to give reasons and to conclude.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

The language used is quite varied and clear. The words weren’t redundant. But, avoid high-sounding words as they sometimes impede with meaning.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Observe parallelism in your pronouns. Another thing, revise the run-on sentence in the first line of the last paragraph.

Do you like to be the next makeover? Email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com. And do subscribe to my feeds.:)


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.