Wednesday, December 2, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #24


Our featured essay is from Vilayvann. She talks about her thoughts on love and arranged marriages.

Some people prefer arranged marriages while others think love marriages are better. Discuss both views and state your own opinion.

Marriages happen in every society all over the world. However, arranged marriages are accepted by some people while others think love marriages are better.

First of all, let us consider why arranged marriages are better. The initial reason is that parents know the best and they always want to give their children happiness. Every parent would not to see their children crying or not getting along with each other. The second argument is that they have more experience. They have been through all experiences in their lives and they always know what or who could make their children happy. Furthermore, usually their decisions are right and are well-accepted by respectful children. The final basis is simply that children are naïve and they often make wrong decisions. Talking about marriage, it is usually caused by infatuation so without seeking the parent?s council, they might not possibly make good decisions.

Regarding the good points of love marriages, children have their own freedom of choices. Moreover, they have their own love and experience. It is possible that they have met a partner who works together. They might have known and understood each other well. In addition, children always think about their future and they have their own responsibility for their choices. For some young people, marriage is a serous matter. They have to think seriously and seek council from parents or other experienced people. When they have chosen a person for their lives, they hope and trust that their family will be full of happiness and if the parents also like their decisions, they all will be happy and ready to surrender everything to each other.

In conclusion, there are good points for both views. However, I would prefer love marriage but only when my parents agree with me because with love marriage, I am happy and my parents are also happy.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave a good introduction and conclusion. You discussed both points of view on marriage. However, there are too many major points. Just stick to two major points for each view and give sufficient examples. It is better to use the five-paragraph format for a more organized look.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Your essay is cohesive with the use of a number of transition words such as moreover, furthermore and in conclusion.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have made appropriate word choices. Vocabulary is varied and clear.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Your verbs are consistent with each other. I didn?t see grammar errors.

Need to revamp your writing style? Get an IELTS Writing Makeover. Just email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com and subscribe to my feeds.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

0 comments:

 

Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.