Friday, November 27, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #22


The following essay is from Mr. Ibrahim which describes the different views on leisure time.


Leisure time is one of the important aspects of our life. The importance of this aspect comes the way of using and spend this free time. Some people think that, this time has to be used effectively by doing some useful activities. However, this point of view is in contradiction with others who assert that this time should be a relaxation time for their mind and body. These two points of view will be analyzed neutrally to come up with the advantages and disadvantages for each one.

It is agreed by some people that, we should pursue some activities in our leisure time. For example, we can use this time in reading some educational books or playing some games, which can build our creativity. This view might be reasonable, because people always need to acquire more information in a variety during their entire life. In short, this idea is quite close to people who are looking for fulfill a continuous progress in their knowledge.

On the contrary, others see that this time is the time of relaxation and having a rest. For instance, our physical body as well as our mind needs a period of relaxation after a day full of busy circumstances. Indeed, this point of view is admissible in order to complete our life successfully. This point of view is apparently admitting that we have to give some rest time to our human body because that will aid us to be in a good and fresh condition.

Following to the previous analysis, a company of people prefers to use their leisure time in doing some activities, nevertheless, others see that it will be more useful to get relaxed in order to accomplish their life’s tasks properly. In my opinion, we have to provide our bodies and minds with some rest times. These relaxation periods can take the majority of our leisure time. However, we can also involve some useful activities to be done in our free time.


4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to discuss both views on leisure activities. You gave concrete examples that support your main point. However, write between 250-265 words to save time.

COHESION AND COHERENCE
You have made use of a variety of transition words to show contradiction, examples and summary of main ideas. It is better to use the five-paragraph format for a more balanced approach.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
Your vocabulary is generally varied but there are some redundancies like “time” and “point of view”. Your words are clear and specific.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Observe parallelism in your verbs like “using and spend”. Avoid unnecessary commas when using “that”.



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