Thursday, November 26, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #21


Our featured essay today was written by Leena. She argues about men sharing the burden of raising children.

Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up.

It is certainly true that these days women have much influence on the decision whether to have babies or not. Sometime women want to have babies at later stage as they are working and can't take the responsibility for raising the children at the same time. But, this does not mean that if they will have babies at the later stage, then they should be responsible for raising them as well.

Sometime men do not want to have babies whereas women would like to have. For instance, if men think they are not financially strong enough to raise the babies or they think it's too early to have babies, then they make the decision to have babies at later stage. But, no one raise any questions if they would like to have babies, then they will be fully responsible for raising them. In fact, some women support them and agree to have children at later stage and they never ask them to take the full responsibility of raising the children. Indeed, women who takes more responsibility than men. Thus, it will be unfair to think women should take the full responsibility for raising the children.

Men and women both should be equally responsible for raising theirs own children. For example, if children can not be send to child care due to any reason, then men should not think that theirs wife should take off and sit at home to take care of the children. They should also take off sometime and take care of the children.

It is quite understandable that it takes a lot to raise the children, but if both parents share the responsibility, then it would be quite easy to raise the children. In my personal opinion, it does not matter who decide when to have children, but once we have children, both parents should mutually raise the children.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to discuss your views about men and women sharing the burden of raising kids. You gave concrete examples but you should add one more argument to strengthen your essay. Write between 250-265 words.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Improve organization by using the five-paragraph essay format. Include more transition words for a more cohesive essay.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

The terms “men” and “women” are redundant. Use other words such as “mothers” and “fathers”.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Replace the subject-verb errors in “no one raise”, “women who takes”, and “who decide”. There is also a pluralization error “theirs wife”. Revise the fragment “women who takes more responsibility than men”. “Can not be send” should be “cannot be sent”. Split the compound word “sometime”.

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