Tuesday, November 24, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #20


Today's essay is from Minh Hien. She describes the role of teachers.

The common role of a teacher is conveying knowledge from generation to generation. Some people claim that teacher’s responsibility concludes orientating students to behave well whist others think that teaching academic subjects is enough. I take the view that teachers should carry out both duties.

First, teachers should take part in teaching students to differentiate between right and wrong behaviors. Students spend most of their time at school therefore teachers have a great impact on their characters. The instructions from school may help learners improve right actions as well as reduce wrong-doings, for example supporting the disabled is really high-appreciated rather than laughing at their handicaps. Moreover, students are initially aware of the surrounding world, so besides parents and society, teachers are people who directly guide students to judge about right and wrong attitudes. As far as drug addiction is concerned, students are easily tempted by their peers to try this fatal substance, the education from school especially their teachers could protect them from addicting drugs.

On the other hand, the responsibility of teaching academic subjects is also important. It is obvious that students attend universities or colleges in order to get specific knowledge with can apply for their future careers. An architect need to learn some subjects in university for instance, designing high building, basic construction, all of which can meet the requirements of his technical drawings. Furthermore, the fundamentals of science that are academically taught are really useful for future research such as universal studies on which is based physics, astronomy or molecular biology.

To sum up, I believe that both roles teaching academic subjects and orientating right or wrong behaviors are essential for student career as well as characters. The time at school and the period to become an adult of a student really require teachers to guide the appropriate attitudes. Besides, learning academic knowledge is the basis for their future jobs. The combination of both teachers’ duties could perfect students jobs and behaviors.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to provide a balanced view of the role of teachers. You gave a good introduction and conclusion. Write between 250-265 words because you might commit more errors and run out of time. Revise your third paragraph to give more focus on teachers rather on students.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

A good mix of transition words was used to provide a contrasting view and sum up main points of the essay. It is better to write five paragraphs for a more balanced structure.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You used a variety of words. Language used is appropriate and the meaning is clear. You gave concrete words.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

There are just a couple of grammar errors which needed revision. "Orientating" should be "orienting". Revise the subject-verb agreement errors like "architect" and "time". Correct the run-on in sentence 1 of the conclusion by adding a comma. Put an apostrophe in the phrase "students jobs".


-------------------

If you want to be take the next IELTS Makeover challenge, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com. And do subscribe to my feeds for more updates. :)


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

0 comments:

 

Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.