Friday, November 20, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #19


Today's essay is from Sophia. She writes about the advantages and disadvantages of watching television.

Watching Television is dangerous as it disrupts family and community relationship.To what extent do you agree or disagree.

Nowadays ,watching Television has become part of an everyday activity by almost every individual.However, it is still a fact that it is not advisable to get addicted to it as it has a direct influence on the disruption of social relationship.

Firstly , I believe that a person who tends to watch Television constantly loses the sense of reality thereby lacks attention towards his family.Consequently ,misconceptions arise between them and possibly deteriorates the condition.Many researches have evidences to support the fact that Televis ion badly interferes with and ruins the relationship.

Similarly, Television has a negative impact on children especially the Teens.The reason is that it affects their academic performance and morale.It should also be noted that children at their impressionable age do not know how to differentiate between the virtual and non-virtual life experiences that ultimately decides whether to face failures or success in life.For instance, a child never knows that touching a fire is harmful until it ia experienced or explained to them.So, it is better to atch Television under parent’s supervision.

Finally, there is severe los of sense of community between people residind in the same locality.It could be simply because of the reason that they neither try to know about eachother nor feel to seek help as they always get entertained by the Televison.As a result, it places pressure on the individual when they have to face the challenges alone in the community.For example, a person would really find difficult even to forward a common petition for the people if they are reluctant.
To sum up,Television being the major entertainer in today’s lifestyle has devastating effects on most families and community.But ,as one cannot deny it’s advantages it is worthwhile to note that we do not overuse it.I also forsee that as people’s lifestyle would become more mechanical and organized in future , time would not permit them to watch Televison very often.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give reasons why TV is harmful to individuals. You also provided supporting details but the example in the second paragraph needs more substance.

COHESION AND COHERENCE
You used the five-paragraph format. The structure of the essay is organized with a variety of transition words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
You have a wide range of vocabulary. Language used was appropriate and clear.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Correct the following misspelled words: ia, los, residind, eachother, televison, it's, and forsee. Do not capitalize television and teens.

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