Tuesday, November 17, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #18


The following essay is from Nguyen of Vietnam. The essay discusses about the problems of change and how to solve them.

People naturally resist making changes in their lives. What kind of problems can this cause? What solutions can you suggest?

One of the characteristics of the modern life is the change. However, there is a large part of people who are afraid of making changes in their lives. This could cause some problems.

Firstly, most people who don’t like having many changes in their lives are old people. An obvious example is the old people mostly can not adapt to the rapid changes in contemporary life. As the result, they decide to follow the traditional methods in spite of the modern ones. That could cause problems because some of old methods, for example in medical treatment, are not effective anymore and it could harm their health.

Secondly, people who have been living or working in a certain environment for a long time hardly adapt to changes. The reason is they are afraid that the new changes in habits, cultures, languages could make their lives worse than it was. Some people worry that they don’t have enough experience for new requirements or they could not make friend with people at work. Consequently, it might keep them from demonstrating their best abilities in either their work or their lives.

In my opinion, for old people, the younger members in the family should spend more time helping them using the new techniques or modern tools. By doing these, the elders would feel easier to adapt to the changes. For people who have to change their living or working environment, they should concentrate on their work or spend time learning new language, get acquainted with their new neighbors and so on.

In summary, life always changes so everyone should learn to adapt and make their lives better and better.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to explain the problems with changes as well as solutions related to this. You gave concrete examples which support your main points.

COHESION AND COHERENCE
The structure of the essay is clear and organized. You have made use of a variety of transition words. Your ideas are coherent.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is varied and appropriate language was used. Meaning is clear but avoid one sentence paragraphs.

GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY
Tenses are consistent and subject-verb agreement are correct. Just revise "can not" to "cannot" and "as the result" to "as a result."

----------
Do you like the IELTS Writing Makeover? For more updates and information, visit here and subscribe to my feeds. :)


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

1 comments:

IELTS Writing Samples on October 3, 2011 at 10:50 AM said...

Your writing has a very good structure. All the main ideas are placed in the topic sentences and followed by supporting sentences.

Keep up with the good work.

 

Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

My name is Miracel Juanta and I write ATeachersOdyssey to help students and teachers create better English. I have been in the teaching profession for more than 10 years. My field of expertise includes ESL,IELTS,TOEFL,Business English etc. If you have questions about English, feel free to email me at msjuanta@yahoo.com or add my twitter @msjuanta.