Monday, November 16, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #17


The following essay is from Harsha and the essay discusses the different views on alternative sources of energy. Here's the essay and the 4-point critique.


It has been noticed that government are using methods which are not good for the Global environment to generate energy. Generating methods like oil, gas are few examples for this. At the same time some government are promoting god ways of generating energy like wind and solar.

According to my point of view government should stop promoting method which are harmful to the global environment and try to promote some alternative ways of generating energy .Using gas and oil are highly effected to the environment in a bad way and it will warm the global environment .In the other hand it is really expensive and government has to spent so much money on this. Now a days some government are in a process of researching to find alternative ways of generating power and this is a really a good thing.

Some research people are found that methods like wind and solar are almost good for the global environment and not only that it is very cheapest way of generating energy since wind and solar both are we are getting free of charge from the environment ,only the equipment cost has to be bear . But some government says that some people are not very much interesting in using methods like wind power since it has very old fashion which is not true .Actually it will give very attractive view, specially modern people used to reject this because they live in town area which is developed to some extent so they think this kind of method is not suit for that environment but I think we should give first place to our environment because our healthy life mostly depend on the environment.

Finally I believe government should promote wind and solar as a alternative ways of generating energy and not only that government should conduct awareness program to educated the people about the methods and how it will affected to the global environment in a good way.


4-POINT CRITIQUE


TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You wrote an essay with 326 words. Write between 250-265 words because you might run out of time.


COHESION AND COHERENCE

Use more transition words to improve organization and include a comma after each transition phrase. Use the five-paragraph format for a more balanced essay. Some of your arguments do not relate to the topic. Give stronger supporting examples on whether government should or should not promote alternative sources of energy.


LEXICAL RESOURCE

"Warm the global environment" sounds awkward. Use "increase global warming" instead. Simplify the first and last sentences in the third paragraph because it's too wordy. "Interesting" is not the appropriate term but use "interested" instead. Avoid one sentence paragraphs so split the last paragraph into two sentences. "It has very old fashion" should be "it is old-fashioned."


GRAMMATICAL RANGE AND ACCURACY

Correct the subject-verb agreement error in "government are/some government says" , "method which are", "using gas and oil are" and "healthy life mostly depend". Revise the spelling error "god". Change "in the other hand" to "on the other hand". "To spent" should be "to spend". Remove the helping verb in "are found". Put an article "the" in the phrase "very cheapest way".

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