Thursday, November 12, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #16


Our featured writer for today is Ileana from Venezuela who writes about dieting. Here are her views about it.

Dieting can change a person’s life for the better or ruin one’s health
completely. What is your opinion?

There has been a discussion for years about dieting. Some people believe thet it is not a good practice because it can lead you to nutritional problems. Others however believe that it is the only way to be in a good shape and be healthy at the same time.

It is undeniable that if dieting is practiced without the supervision of a professional nutritionist it could lead to a severe lack of nutrients our bodies need to be developed in a healthy way. One example of this is when people decides to turn vegetarian; but in a short period of time they realize there is a serious deficiency of proteins and as a result, it is translated into a general weakness. Some others think that people usually gets obsessed with it; what brings some mental disorders like anorexia for example.

However it has been scientifically demonstrated that dieting under the supervision of a professional nutritionist is the best way to supply our bodies with healthy meals. In addition, our bodies get exactly what is needed, which could generally help us with our savings.

Moreover, it has also been probed that with the practice of a good and healthy diet, our bodies need less exercise to keep a good shape. It is very common to see people spending high amounts of money in gyms or buying expensive machines to have in their homes just to keep a good shape; but what they don’t realize is that if they had a better diet, spending all that money would not be necessary.

To sum up -in my opinion, I believe that as long as it is done with the help of a expert, dieting would definitely change our life for better.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give both the good and harmful effects of dieting. You gave sufficient concrete examples to illustrate your point.

COHESION AND COHERENCE
You've made use of the five-paragraph format. There were a variety of transition words that signal a change of opinion and ending a paragraph.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
Vocabulary is generally varied and you made use of appropriate vocabulary. Improve your conclusion by adding two to three sentences. Make your sentences simpler and avoid wordy sentences.

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

Improve on your punctuation especially the commas. Put commas after the transition words. Remove the semi-colons when using conjunctions. Pluralize "people decides and gets". In the second paragraph, split your example into two sentences. Improve the run-on sentence on the fourth paragraph. There is just one spelling error: "thet".

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