Thursday, October 22, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #15


The following IELTS essay was written by Eduardo. He writes about his views on financial education.

Task:
Financial education should be mandatory component of the school program. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

Answer:

School program has changed and evolved for years; but there is a component that has been in discussion for a long time; It is Financial Education. Some people believe it is not necessary; however some other think it is vital to the process of child development.

Including a new component in school curriculum is not an easy task since it is complicated to remove any of those classes that have been added for years and this would make an even bigger curriculum; financial education is not the exception. It is said that its content would be too deep to be understood by children. Not only that but you need to understand mathematics in order to apply financial concepts.

However, due to the high levels of consumption the world is suffering these days; and the aggressiveness of advertisement that media; especially television and internet have been applying for years; it is important to teach our children how money should be spent, getting them to know what is really important to be purchased, not only what they see on advertisement.

In addition, because of the global economic recession; it’s also important to encourage not only adults, but children to build a saving mentality; explaining them that saving money is important for securing a better future.

In conclusion – for all said, I agree that financial education should be included in the school program in order to help the reduction of this consumerist mentality people is having these days.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT
You were able to give a balanced view of financial education. You gave good reasons with supporting details. However, your word count is below 250. Improve on your conclusion because it’s too brief.

COHESION AND COHERENCE
The essay is quite organized and you have made use of proper transition words. Simplify the third paragraph by chopping it into 3-4 sentences.

LEXICAL RESOURCE
You have a wide range of vocabulary. You have made appropriate word choices.

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY
There are not much grammar errors except for subject-verb agreement, “people is having”. Minimize the use of semicolons. It is better to use a period rather than semicolon.

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For more information about the IELTS Writing Makeover, check out my earlier post here.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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