Sunday, August 2, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #9


Here's the latest IELTS writing makeover from Nguyen of Thailand. The essay is about the advantages and disadvantages of university degrees.

TASK: Some people believe that a country can benefit a lot from people who have university degrees, while others say that an increasing number of university graduates only create more unemployed people. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Each year, there is a considerable number of university graduates all over the world. Some people suppose that a country can get a great deal of profits from these people, whereas others argue that this increase only makes the unemployment more serious. This essay will discuss those opinions in detail.

My first point is that there are many advantages a country can obtain from university-degree people. In developing or undeveloped countries, there is a large number of careers and researches which require high quality and education employees such as micro-electronic industry, fuel engineering and chemistry etc. The increase of university graduates not only help with improving the production and the quality of services, but also reduce government's fund for recruiting skilled foreign employees.

On the other hand, not all university graduates are employed so that the unemployment increases. This is true all over the world. The main cause of that problem is some careers are more popular than the others. So the number of people studying them are larger. After graduating, they can not find jobs which are suitable and become unemployed. Another reason is that the educational quality of the universities are not the same and only the best people are chosen to work for the companies.

In conclusion, the increasing number of university graduates both bring the benefits and disadvantages. In my opinion, university education should be encouraged and improved in order to develop the country. Moreover, the government should have some policies of creating more jobs and giving supports to people who are high education.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write a 250-word essay. You gave a good introduction and conclusion. You were able to give arguments for both sides of the topic.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

The paragraphs are cohesive and you used a number of transition words such as "on the other hand", "in conclusion". The paragraph structure could be improved by adding one more argument to make it five paragraphs.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You used a variety of language and the words were used appropriately.

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

I didn't notice any grammar errors nor spelling mistakes. You have a very good grasp of grammar. Overall, this is a well-written essay.

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Do you want to know how to get an IELTS Writing Makeover? Find out more here.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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