Monday, August 31, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #14


Our next IELTS essay came from Swara. It talks about the responsibility of the university.

Some people believe that universities are responsible for preparation of young people for employment .Others believe universities have other responsibilities. What do you think about the responsibility of the university?


Education is the most important part of todays life.Young people get education from universities and they also help to make responsible citizen to our society.In addition,universities helps students to fulfill their dreams by getting a better job and helps to achieve success in the life.Some people believe that universities are responsible for preparation of young people for employment where as many people believe that universities have other responsibilities.Both points of view will be discussed in this order.

From one side,it is believed by some people that universities should take responsibilities to prepare students for employment because universities are not only the place but are the best palces where students can get good exposure and many guidelines for employment.Moreover,professors and tutors in universities who have got knowledge ,skill and experience in working field can guide students for employment.Furthemore, universities will be having good contacts and communication with industries and companys.Hence,universities can prepare their students for employment depending on the requirement of particular company or industry.

On the otherhand,many argue that preparing young people for employment is not universities responsibility because they have many other responsibilities such as providing best education and facilities to their students like well equipped laborateries,good library,sports facilities and accomodation. Besides,universities have to provide best professors to their students who have a knowledge,skill and experience.In addition,universities have the responsibilities to maintain their standard of education all the time.Therfore,universities not able to take responsibilities for preparation of young people for employment.

To sum up, the responsibility of universities is to provide good education by giving best facilities to their students.In other words,universities are responsible for preparation of young people for employment. Although,they have other responsibilities,but the most important responsibility is to help their students to build better career in their life.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write an essay with 292 words. Although I suggest that you keep it between 250-265 because if you write too much, you may run out of time and you may commit a lot of errors. You were able to give a balanced view of the responsibilities of the university. You gave specific examples to prove your main points. You gave a good introduction and conclusion of the topic.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

You have made used of good transition words such as: moreover, on the other hand, to sum up, although. Although, the paragraph structure is clear, I suggest that you use a 5-paragraph essay format for a more balanced approach.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

The words used were quite varied and appropriate but the word "responsibility" is redundant. Use other synonyms for responsibilities.

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

There are a number of misspelled words: palces, laborateries, accommodation. Put an apostrophe in "todays". Correct the subject-verb agreement errors: "universities helps". Drop "got" from "have got knowledge".


For more information about the IELTS Writing Makeover, you can check out the details here.


For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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