Friday, August 21, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #13


Our featured essay today comes from Dilshod. The essay argues against the excessive spending of people for their pets.

Pets have been our family members and serving the humanity for many centuries. As a matter of fact, they are among our greatest achievements. Nevertheless, is it justified to overspend with overwhelming amounts of money for their care, when there are millions of people starving in every corner of the world? I believe it isn't.

Pets serve the society in so many ways that it is hard to imagine our lives without them. From our very youth we own dogs, cats, fish tanks, which protect us, play with us, please us and are just our friends. We learn to be responsible by feeding them on time and taking them to veterinarian.

However, lately lots of people are spending excessive amounts of money on luxurious pet clothing, food and cosmetics. It is hard not to be astonished with pet products that are two or threefold more expensive than that of people. While it is reasonable that people want their pets be healthy and fit, it is still quite irrational to buy them food with meat from other rare and expensive animals, like salmon, trout or buffalo. It is also hard to believe that pets would appreciate clothing from very fine materials and jewelry.

The other example is many pet competitions and fashion shows where pets are treated like kings. Nowadays many countries have organizations, which fight for animal rights and over exaggerate the real situation in society. This leads to situations, when animal rights are put higher than that of people. While there are millions of people starving around the globe, children dying of hunger and thirst, it is utterly shocking that people spend more and more resources for their pets.

To sum up, although pets are inarguably useful for us and help us learn some positive qualities at early ages, it does not justify the money we spend and all of food resources we use for them while on the other side of the world humans need this money more than our pets do.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to produce a well-written essay that has strong arguments against the excessive spending on pets. The examples used are well-thought of and your ideas have been clearly conveyed to the reader.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

The essay made use of appropriate cohesive devices that illustrate additional points and summary of the main ideas of the paragraph. The paragraph structure is logically organized.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a good grasp of the English language. You have made use of a wide variety of concrete words.

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

Your grammar is spotless. Your tenses are consistent and your verbs agree with the subject. Overall, this is a nicely written essay.

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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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