Sunday, August 16, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #12


The following IELTS essay is from Otabek of Turkey. The essay discusses about whether rich countries should provide help to poor countries.

Should wealthy nations be required to share their wealth among poorer nations by providing such things as food and education? Or is it the responsibility of the governments of poorer nations to look after their citizens themselves?

Human beings are divided and socialized under different nations. There are rich countries, and there are poorer ones. As many people think that wealthy nations should not give a hand to poorer nations, others consider sharing food and education as a positive action.

Wealth of the nation is a result of hard working citizens and this gained wealth should be spend for more prosperous life of these people. It is considered that sharing this hard gained wealth with poorer nations will make these nations got used to it and not taking any step towards making its own wealth.

On the other hand, every single person on this planet has right to live and get education. All people should be treated equally and helping poor nations to obtain their basic rights is a good deed.

Besides, by providing poor countries nutritional aid, by sending educational specialists or by educating selected representatives of poor countries, wealthy nations help them to develop faster and to be able to obtain their own wealth.

The last but not the least, wealthy nations get positive image on international arena when they show good will on giving hand to those nations which lack wealth. This act is always warmly welcomed by global community.

To sum up all the above sated, it is always good to share with poorer nations, especially on the issues like food and education.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

This essay has only 230 words. Add at least 2-3 supporting details for each main idea. You need to give stronger arguments and concrete examples why the rich countries should help the poor ones. You can zero in on a particular developing country so that your essay will have a singular focus.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

You used a variety of transition words to contrast ideas and to sum up points such as "besides", "to sum up", "on the other hand". Drop "the" from "The last but not least." Stick to the 5-paragraph essay format and avoid one sentence paragraphs.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You need to use more modifying words and stronger language to beef up your word count.

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

Change "sated" to "stated". Observe parallelism in your tenses. Revise "get" to present in the phrase "nations got used" and drop the "ing" in "not taking".

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