Tuesday, August 11, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #10


The following essay came from Sophia. She writes about universities accepting equal number of men and women.

Writing task – 2

Universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subject.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Education has become inevitable for everyone.As we know that university takes a key role to impart education to every individual.Some people argue that universities also have responsibility to educate equal numbers of male and female students in every subjects.So, this essay will deal about the pros and cons of this issue and to predict about it's neceesity.

Firstly, it is a wise decision if higher education supports for thegrowth of intellectual capacity of both the sexes by providing equal oppurtunities in various fielda.For instance, in the past females were not seated in the higher positions for they were overlooked by the men since they had very little exposure to tackle difficult situations.So.from this point of view,it would rather be a better suggestion if the students of both sexesn were given equal chances to study every subject.

On the other hand,choices about the subjects should not be made compulsory as the students are likely to get failures due to lack of interest.It is futile if something taught is not well appreciated by the students.

In addition, university education has a great impact on the student's career in the future.For instance,males would be pertinent for some kind of jobs where physical exertion is considered to be more.Unlike female students,male group can give a better outcome in their performance in a company.So,choocing athe right subject in the beginning would certainly avoid a great mess from happening in the future.

Another delicate issue would be that in some antiquated countries like India,the female gender may ignore the conduction of labor by a male physiciandue to cultural reasons.Therefore it is preferable for a female student to specialize in this field.

To sum up,there are no sufficient evidences to appreciate the notion of the university to educate the male and female students equally in every subject and this would rather lead us to face various challenges due to it's consequences in the society.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to give a balanced view on the advantages and disadvantages of having equal opportunities for men and women. You gave supporting details which elaborate your main points. You gave a good introduction and conclusion.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

The paragraph structure is clear with the use of appropriate transition words such as "on the other hand", "to sum up", "in addition". However, reduce the number of paragraphs from six to five.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is quite varied but there are some wrong word choices such as "conduction".

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

Correct the following misspelled words: neceesity, oppurtunities, fielda, choocing, sexesn. Insert a space between "physician" and "due", "the" and "growth". Use singular nouns when you use the word "every". "It's necessity" should be "its necessity" and "it's consequences" should be "its consequences."

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