Saturday, July 18, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #8


The next essay is from Andrea. She writes about children learning other foreign languages.

SCHOOL CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE FORCED TO LEARN OTHER FOREIGN LANGUAGES AS THEIR ABILITY DIFFERS DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

Nowadays, because of technology and media development, the boundaries in the world are disappearing. Every day most and most people can visit or work overseas. Getting it is easier if you handle another language besides your native language.

This is the main reason because in this time is almost mandatory to learn two or more language in order to improve your skills in a globalized world. Hence parents should encourage their children to learn more than one language since they are at school. Learning different tongues is easier when you are a child than when you are an adult person because the brain gets things faster. That´s why is important that parents do not be afraid because forcing their children to learn a different language.

The last decade the growing of internet and another media is amazing and our sons are more and more interested about that. We can focus this fact like an excuse to learn English. If your children don't like foreign languages and are not interested about them, you can show to your children languages like a tool for improving the use of internet. They can understand more things if they handle more language, they can know and speak with kids from overseas and getting more information maybe about their favorite band which is from another country.

Sumarizing, to learn foreign languages helps children to have a better future and opportunities. Every day to get a good employment is harder and learning differents languages from the native improves our skills, our possibilities and our knowledge. So teach your children to love languages and support them to learn as soon as possible.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

Your essay is more than 250 words. You were able to explain your reasons why learning foreign languages is good for the children. You gave concrete examples to support your arguments.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Have at least five paragraphs: Introduction, Reason 1, Reason 2, Reason 3 and Conclusion. Improve cohesion by adding more transition words.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Change "most and most people" to "more and more people". Avoid wordiness by simplifying sentence 1 of paragraph 1. "Handle" should be "speak". "Growing" should be "growth of the internet and other media".

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

Correct the following misspelled words: sumarizing, differents. Insert a comma after "hence". Insert "it" between "why" and "is important". Replace the last sentence of paragraph 2 to "That's why parents should not be afraid to make their children learn foreign languages."

Want to know more about the IELTS Writing Makeover? Find it here.

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