Thursday, July 16, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #6


Today's IELTS makeover is from Nino. He wrote an essay on Task 1 of the Academic Module.

QUESTION:

You should spend about 20 minutes on this task. Write a report for a

university lecturer describing the information in the graph below. You

should write at least 150 words.

The diagram describes process of gathering weather information fro the Australian Bureau of Meteorology, which has after to deliver up-to-date weather forecast via TV, Radio or recorded announcement.
    The main sources for incoming information are satellite, radar and drifting buoy. After receiving certain data by means of above mentioned technologies Meteorology bureau has to make analysis and produce forecasting.
    In order to held analysis and forecasting process meteorologists have to make use of satellite photo images. Also they are making observations over radar screen and synoptic chart. As soon as any changes are reflected on those photos, screen and charts changes have to be done into the information that should be produced.
    Before the information is delivered to the society the Bureau has to refine all the data via computer programme. The computer has the role of an information manager, as it is final source of all collected materials.
    Via computer reliable forecast is received by television and radio stations as well as it could be broadcast as recorded announcement.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to write a 150-word essay. You were able to describe specific details of the weather gathering process.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Since you are describing a process, you should use transition words such as then, next, first, second, lastly, etc. Five paragraphs is too long for this task. Use 3-4 paragraphs with the last paragraph summarizing and restating the description of the graph that includes the variables.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is quite varied and concrete words were appropriately used.

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

Insert an article "the" between "describes" and "process". Remove "after" in the phrase "which has after to deliver". There were some misspelled words such as "fro" and programme. "To held" should be "to hold". Place a comma after "society". Insert a comma after "above mentioned technologies", "forecasting process", "also" and "via computer".


 

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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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