Monday, July 13, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #5


I received an e-mail from Ramesh. Here's his letter:


Dear Madam

I am a candidate who is going to take up IELTS in October. I had come across your website and really appreciate your service you do for people like me. I have sent a letter (see below), could you please make your comments for it. Thanks in advance.

yours sincerely

Ramesh

QUESTION: YOU HAVE RECENTLY MOVED INTO A NEW FLAT. UNFORTUNATELY, YOU LOST SOME MONEY THE OTHER DAY, AND CANNOT AFFORD TO PAY NEXT MONTH'S RENT WHEN IT IS DUE.

WRITE A LETTER TO THE LANDLORD EXPLAINING THE SITUATION AND THAT YOU WILL PAY AS SOON AS YOUR PARENTS SEND YOU THE MONEY. ALSO, MENTION THAT THERE ARE SOME PROBLEMS WITH THE FLAT.

I am your new tenant who recently moved into your "7M Atlantic Gardens" flat. Please do not misunderstand me for the message I am going to give in this letter. I missed my last month's salary during a bus travel. My pocket was picked in the crowd, hence I am sorry to say that I will not be able to pay you the next month's rent timely.

I therefore request you to excuse me for this inconvenience. Since I am out of money even for my own expenses, I had asked my parents to send some money. When I receive the money, my first preference would be to pay your rent.

One more information I would like to add is about two problems in the flat. The air condition unit is not functioning properly. Although it is working , chillness is not been enjoyed out of that. Secondly a tap in the bathroom needs replacement. The handle of it is very rusty, it might hurt me anytime. Rest everything is fine in the flat and I am actually enjoying my stay.

I hope you understand my current financial position and excuse me to pay the rent a bit delayed and also hope that you will look into the repair works in the flat. Thanking you in Advance.

yours sincerely

Ramesh

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4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to achieve the task by giving the purpose of your letter. You have explained the situation and the action that you intend to do. You gave the problems with flat. You were able to write more than 150 words.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

Add more transition words to link your paragraphs. Improve the organization of your letter. In the first paragraph should be your purpose for the letter. The second paragraph should describe the situation and supporting details. The third paragraph should be the problems with the flat. The last paragraph should have the plan of action on your part as well as the landlord.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

There are some awkward sentences that need to be changed. Instead of saying "my pocket was picked", use "my wallet was stolen". Say "my rent" instead of "your rent". The first sentence in the second paragraph is too wordy. Simplify by stating "I'm sorry for the inconvenience." Replace "one more" with "another". Change "chillness is being enjoyed out of that" to "it isn't cold enough." Replace "excuse me to pay the rent a bit delayed" with "bear with me for the delay in the rent".

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

Delete the second sentence because it is unnecessary. Use the present perfect instead of past perfect in "had asked". Change "timely" to time. Put a comma after "secondly". Remove the "-ing" in thanking. Don't capitalize "advance". Capitalize Yours Sincerely.

If you want to know how to get an IELTS writing makeover, check it out here.

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For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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