Sunday, July 5, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #4


Today's IELTS Writing Makeover is from Mohamed. His essay is about retirement for old people. Read the following essay and my makeover.

TOPIC:

WHEN SHOULD PEOPLE BE MADE TO RETIRE? 55? 65? SHOULD THERE BE A COMPULSORY AGE LIMIT?

Many countries, companies, and corporations have assigned a certain age for its people or employees to retire. However, many people may argue that older people are more likely to have more experience than those who are young. Since experience can be considered as a valuable asset in various working fields, such people should not be forced to quit their jobs. This may bring up the question whether there should or should not be a certain age for retirement.

Firstly, many corporations believes that it is better for them to have someone who is old but has multiple years experience to run their buisness. However, this cannot be applied to many working fields. Although such senile people may have more experience than other workers, yet they cannot produce as much effort as a younger employee. Nevertheless, it is scientifically believed that the human brain loses a fair percentage of its efficancy at a certain age. This may cause older people to have less concentration and therefor less job output.

Secondly, hiring an old person to do a certain job for a long period of time can be unfair to young people who have potential of becoming even better in performing the same job using all the technological advances we are witnessing nowadays. Senior citizens may face more difficulties applying such technological breakthroughs to work than younger ones, since they are more likely to perform their work in a bit of a traditional way.

Another good point about having a certain age for retirement, is that older people who have been working for most of their lives deserve to get some rest at some point. In other words, it would be very unfair for a working man or a woman to waste all their life working in a non-stop pattern. their should be a time where they are allowed to rest. This is why many people nowadays are looking forward to retire, especially with the hectic life style we all are living now.

All in all, I think that it is better to have a defined age for old people to stop working. This way they get a chance to rest, and enjoy a peaceful life, and also give the way for new blood to get their opportunity to prove their true capabilities.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to introduce the topic well and you also summarized your essay. You gave substantial arguments why old people should stop working. You used concrete examples to illustrate your points.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

You have a good number of transition words such as firstly, secondly, however, nevertheless, etc. Paragraphs are well organized.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You used a good mix of English words. Synonyms were used to avoid redundant words.

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

There are some misspelled words: buisness, efficancy, therefor, their. Make the verb singular in the phrase "many corporations believes". Drop the comma after the word "retirement" in the fourth paragraph.

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