Wednesday, June 24, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #3


The next IELTS Writing Makeover is from Elif. Here's the rest of his essay.

TOPIC: Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than people in other important professions. Some people think this is fully justified while others think it is unfair.

In the last two decades, some sports professionals have been granted lots of Money because of their unique talents. However, some people think high amount of Money should be given these professionals due to wonderful impacts in the world, others believe it is not necessary to give a great deal money for just kicking the ball.

As well as I mentioned above, sports market has a great impact on people from all over the world. For instance, football, according to Americans it means socker is been watching by lots of people. There is a big commercial market, that's why it is so common that professionals earn good Money. They can sell t-shirts and some tools about the team. Furthermore; it is a speacial talent which everyone can not be born with. Especially, Brazilian footballers are more popular than others. Eventually, lots of young people lead these famous professionals and try tol ive as them. Even if the reason is being popular, it is a good exercise for their health.

On the contrary, many people do not want them to get a high amount of Money. Fistly, not only sports are precious in daily life, but alos science has a high value. We need inventions which cure our illness' or simply our life. Therefore, it is obviously seen that scientists have to be supported more than sports professionals. Secondly, they make people lazy. This system provides the importance of money and popularism, and also shows people how they can make Money easily. But the world is not simple as they display us. Lastly, I deeply beleive people need inventions more than sports and sports programmes. Governments do not allow public to think deeply about politics and our entire life problems, such as crime, economics. İt is not fair to give a lot of Money for just some special sports in case they bring high advertisement revenue.

In conclusion, ther might be different opinions. But the important thing is at least giving the same value for other extremely important professionals like doctors, scientists and academicians because of the role in our future.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You gave a balanced perspective of the different views about sports professionals. The body contains concrete examples. The introduction could be improved by placing the word "however" between the two clauses.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

A number of transition words were found to show relationships between sentences and paragraphs. They are utilized effectively to show sequence, opposing views and summary of main points.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

Vocabulary is varied, however, there are some words that need to be modified. Drop "as well" in the phrase "as well as I mentioned above". "lead" should be replaced with "follow". "popularism" should be changed to "popularity".

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

Your tenses are consistent and correct subject-verb agreement was used. There are a couple of spelling errors: socker, speacial, tol live, fistly, alos, beleive, ther. It's unnecessary to capitalize money. "sports" takes a singular verb. Add an article "the" before the word "public". Remove the apostrophe in "illness".

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