Friday, June 5, 2009

IELTS WRITING MAKEOVER #1


Last week, I launched the IELTS Writing Makeover Series. Here's the first essay from Yaoq that I did a makeover.

Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behavior. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Tourism is welcomed in most of the countries. It brings not only the benefit to the country's economic, but also the culture exchanging.

Admittedly, culture differences are still widely spread though our lifes. Some of the differences reside deeply because of historical, regional, and climate reasons, which could still reflect the wisdom from our ancestors. These can not be vannished and have to be respected and protected.

For the visitors, to experience these differences could also be one of the attractions for their journey. Some westen visitors could always learn a few Chinese greeting words like "Nihao" after their travel from China. Then when they have a chance to meet their Chinese friends or bussiness partaners in their countries, using these words would definately show a warm welcome, and could help instantly remove the distance from each other. On the other hand, some places are even characterized by its strong and indigous local customs which may have hundreds of year’s history. To follow these customs may even help to expand the understanding of this country and bring new idears to our present life, the examples here are not scarce, taking a glance at fashion, you may find some exotic elements across different cultures.

Overall, every country has its own culture, when visitors find out the culture differences, try and feel it. This might inspire the creativity for their own lives, and the happiness from this might be worthy of memorizing for ever.

4-POINT CRITIQUE

TASK ACHIEVEMENT

You were able to cite good reasons and specific examples about the Chinese culture. The main points have substantial supporting details. The introduction should be made longer. Your word count is 242 which is short of the 250 word limit.

COHESION AND COHERENCE

It’s good that you have an introduction and conclusion. You also have made effective use of transition words such as on the other hand and overall. Improve your introduction by having a minimum of three sentences. Your introduction should include a thesis statement which gives your point of view. Your paragraph structure needs improvement. They should be equal in length. Some paragraphs are long and the fourth paragraph has two main points which you can discuss in a new paragraph. You can further improve your organization by using the famous 5-paragraph essay. Have two main points discussing the advantages and one point discussing the disadvantage.

LEXICAL RESOURCE

You have a good variety of words but there were some words that were used inappropriately. Economic should be economy. Culture exchanging should be replaced with cultural exchange. Though should be changed to through. Vanished should be replaced with taken away. Memorizing is more appropriate with lessons. The better term is remembering. The phase “try and feel it” should be parallel and be changed to “they should try and feel it”.

GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY

There are a lot of misspelled words such as lifes, vannished, bussiness, partaners, definately, idears, indigous, year’s, westen, for ever. Make sure you proofread your work. You can use the Auto Correct function of MS Word. There are minimal grammar errors and you were able to use the correct tense and subject-verb agreement.

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Do you want to join the next makeover? Read more about the IELTS Writing Makeover.



For Further Reading,
IELTS, writing

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Woman Behind A Teacher's Odyssey

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